i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
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[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
#math
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you