I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
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If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
So that’s what we looked like?
This trial is so absurd 😭
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.
Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*
Me: Dammit.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me