Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

“What movie?” 🤔

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…

Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins

*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman