I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
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turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
I hate that haircuts make me so sleepy. My hairdresser will be trying to have a nice conversation with me and I’m just like “mmmm… night… love you…”
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Happy Febuary everyone!
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Thaw me like one of your french fries