Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…

Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date

ChatGPT cannot be stopped.

Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.

*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*

5: Can we play music in our room?

Me: Sure!

5: Any music?

Me: Whatever you want!

5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!

Me: Nooooooooooooo

Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes

Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes

[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]

wife: what’s he doing

me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family

her: what is it

me: i… just… told you?

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

[Dies]

Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.

Me: Dammit

Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3

Dwayne Johnson:

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?

Antique dealer: …What?

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.

“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?