I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
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The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Had an epiphany today.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
What an awful time to have common sense.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
it’s finally my moment to shine
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*