Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.

ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.

ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.

ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.

Cndnsd Mlk

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

This will teach them to underestimate me

Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.