Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.

Hmm, not sure about this change

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview

THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage

To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.

LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*

VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!

LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.