@aguywithnolife

#I #love #how #you #hashtag #a #million #words #on #all #your #instagram #pics. #i #hope #you #get #your #period #in #a #sharktank.

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@jackiembouvier

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

@Tharin_P

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

@Try2StopME

Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.

@MdUNH

Cats are perfect for those who want to experience the indifference and hostility of the workplace in a pet.

@GrumpyComments

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

@BrandyLJensen

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

@GinRumMe

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

@HomeWithPeanut

Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?