I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
