I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
🤯🤯🤯
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
