I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
make up your mind
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
