I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
