Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

doctor: open up

me: it all started when my dad left

doctor: and say ahh

me: oh

doctor: no, “ahh”

I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.

Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.

ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.

MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.