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What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I just got the emailed receipt from her shopping trip and It’s taking forever for my wife to get home and “catch” me doing the dishes
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room