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Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
(yawn)
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…