I love it
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I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
i want enemies
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.