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I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Me in tagged photos
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”