I love it all
You Might Also Like
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.