Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa, make me look good naked.

me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

marvel comics have peaked

Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?

Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing

People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math

Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

*wife is out of town*

Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?

*looks around and shrugs*

Screw it. This is my house.

*falls into toilet at 3AM*

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?

I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

ME: my wife and i are having a baby!

FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?

ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.

Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech