Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.

My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man

My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.

No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.