I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
You Might Also Like
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
Very problematic
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
🤣😂
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
all that yoga finally paid off
