Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring

WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?

ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.

My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.

Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,

How to properly lift a body

Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.

I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

[during sex]

Her: talk nasty to me…

Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…

Her: omg so nasty

Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic

PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”