I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
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Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
i dont have time for this
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?