Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

This could’ve been an email.

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts

Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.

Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.

Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?

Me: Math

Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

.. do you even science?