Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies

HELP 😭

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*

Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved

Trampolines…

Are great…

For…

Peeing your pants…

A little at a time…

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.

Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.

“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”

*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*

Me: Street Fight

What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.

[first date]

Date: how much do you drink a week?

Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.

Date: right.. Let’s do shots.

Me: i love shots.

Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha

My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

The best things in life are free.

Stealing is awesome.

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.