Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]

I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter

Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?

Me: “Cadbury eggs.”

Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.

dream blunt rotation

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?

Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication

Me: Why am I not surprised

Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication

dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.