Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.

Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk

Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.

The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.

[First Date]

Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?

*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*

Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!