Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?

Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.

[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]

“Who are you eating?”

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

[Sitting in your closet]

I’m completely over you.

oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog

Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”

The library?

Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded

ME: hmm…tastes like chicken

MORTICIAN: get out

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.