Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know

[meeting]

ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*

BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.

Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.

Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse

My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is

“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.

Of course my days are numbered..

That’s how calendars work.

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps

Secret Panel HERE 🔪

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest