I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
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when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me: