I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
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Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
This is so wrong 😂
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you