Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.

Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

God: take it

Satan: no you take it

God: no you take it

Satan: i dont want it

God: well its no good to me

Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.