i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
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You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw