Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.

Wife: We’re going to have a baby!

Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?

Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human

Me: *brings a package inside*

4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?

Me: Just some bras.

4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.

WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.

just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses

how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

Me: I’d like one wet wipe please

Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10

Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

I just stopped by to water my horse.

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

*doorbell rings, I open door*

Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?

Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?

Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?

Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.