Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

crow 1: wanna hang out?

undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder

me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

This woman is my idol. Free her.

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”

*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.

“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”

“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”

A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE