Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?

“Are you religious?”

Bro I don’t even believe in myself

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]

Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one

<at a baptism>

*leans over*

Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

4 year old has a new bit where he pretends to have a fatal scooter accident. it’s very funny but the other patrons of the farmer’s market seemed alarmed

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…