@daddydoubts

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

You Might Also Like

@junejuly12

Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related

@fizzlestothetop

Well, seeing as Jesus only had 12 followers, I’d say I’m doing pretty well for myself.

@TheHyyyype

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

@Try2StopME

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’

@Hobo_Splendido

[laundromat]

lady: you can’t do that

me: *pulling baby out of dryer* no it’s cool I know the owner

@Sickayduh

“911 what’s your emergency?”

– I’ve been catfished by a dozen men

“We’re on our way”

– Gonna arrest them?

“Gonna shut off your internet”

@CVTBaby

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

@MyPornKhan

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

@stevevsninjas

Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again