I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
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A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.