I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

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Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there

Really hoping this is Halloween related


Well, seeing as Jesus only had 12 followers, I’d say I’m doing pretty well for myself.


me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok


Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’



lady: you can’t do that

me: *pulling baby out of dryer* no it’s cool I know the owner


“911 what’s your emergency?”

– I’ve been catfished by a dozen men

“We’re on our way”

– Gonna arrest them?

“Gonna shut off your internet”


If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.


I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.


Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again