I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
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*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
BRAKING NEWS!!
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭