I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
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bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
No selfies while hijacking a train.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.