I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
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ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Peter Parker Peter Driver
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
At an art museum and I thought this was art
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.