Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you want to gamble on sports you should have to go to a little room across town and talk to a stinky little man. there should be an aura of griminess about it. you should not be able to do gambling on your phone

This could have been an email.

— me, while attending a wedding ceremony

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

Do that thing I like.

Husband buys an extra pack of ibuprofen. Just in case we run out.

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better

me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying

6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was

Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything

Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-

Me:

H: Your mom is very smart

A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.

glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad

when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.