I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
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it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.