Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.

Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement