I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
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You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”