An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
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I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
One venti cheeseburger please.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping