Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”

You: “Yes, it is…”

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“…at least I hope so!!”

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…

😭😭😭

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

Cool shirt 🙂

Thursday Thought.

My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.

So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.

I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

I was up all night reading about insomnia

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.

You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.

I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?