I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
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Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
So sorry
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.