“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
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When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
real
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that