Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:

Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.

*me almost finished with a chore*

Husband: Here, let me do that.

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.