Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”

If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’

‘Woody?’

‘Not quite that excited.’

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

[restaurant]

can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?

-how bout just one whole pizza instead?

oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza

Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok

Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops

Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

I love wikipedia

End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.