Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”

Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”

Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

Judas has been acting weird the last few days.

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs

Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.