Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich

*Dog steals and eats my sandwich

Dog: Okay, I’m ready

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.

The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]

ME: I’d like to phone a friend.

HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.

sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”

*fireworks go off outside*

*opens window*

I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE

If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up

Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.

Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”

Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”

💀

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.