Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?

Me: Is that water or vodka?

Him: Vodka.

Me: Empty.

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do

[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁

Happy weekend !

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?

Cause I just Camelot.

Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfish

Fin

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I’m a seismologist.

Me: No way! Can you…

Date: Please don’t.

Me: …guess my height?

I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.

[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.

#notsorry

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”