I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
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Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Print is alive and well!!!
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Clients after you give them your rates
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore