Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

How actors in movies eat their food

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.

Kermit goes Blue.

Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops

These are my roll models.

Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.

Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…

… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!