Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car

Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car

Cops: oh well that’s different

Him: I missed you

Me: I missed you too

*we both reload our duelling pistols*

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

[ explaining The Plan ]

jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs

god: look man, these ppl are idiots

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL

Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.

Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW

“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”

why are you making this about you?

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”

So I’m guessing my days are numbered.

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

#math

Peace was never an option