@stephanidek
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
@lecalabara
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
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@stephanidek
@rad_milk
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
@HashtagAbdul
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
@sofarrsogud
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
@stewnami
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
@Ideal_Victoria
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
@TheCatWhisprer
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
@LoSucks
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
@rolldiggity
Throw a pizza down a manhole. Wait five minutes. Throw a grenade down. You just killed the Ninja Turtles.
@UncleDuke1969
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
