Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
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[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
2015: Taco Emoji!
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Is there gangs where they just go to buffets? I can join that type of gang.
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
“Be the change you want to see in the world.”
*Morphs into a kitten