“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

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ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*

OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair


as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water


Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”


GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.

ANGEL: *sighs* Fine

GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month


I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.


Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.


ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*


Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers


Throw a pizza down a manhole. Wait five minutes. Throw a grenade down. You just killed the Ninja Turtles.