“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
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Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Saw your ex at the shops
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
😅🤣😂
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best