I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
You Might Also Like
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.