I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
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What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Hmmmmmmm….
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.