Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

me: i just love traveling!

my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.

every olympics i turn into this guy

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?

-It’s haunted by a low level demon

Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.