Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.

9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.

Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?

9: No.

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks

Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

WTF IS THAT!

💀😭

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.