Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
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evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Liquor Store Parking
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!