I love killing for fun
“Sociopath! Arrest him!”
I mean I love hunting
“Why didn’t you say so my good man, want to kill together sometime?”

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Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.


My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”


girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts


I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.


Just reported a car as being stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the rear window are white.


Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ?????


Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.


Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!


I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.


Somebody in here smells really good. I will hunt you down. I will sniff you.