@NicestHippo

I love killing for fun
“Sociopath! Arrest him!”
I mean I love hunting
“Why didn’t you say so my good man, want to kill together sometime?”

You Might Also Like

@brianbowman73

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

@3sunzzz

My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”

@OBiiieeee

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

@WilliamAder

I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.

@DirtMcTurd

Just reported a car as being stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the rear window are white.

@longwall26

Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ?????

@aveuaskew

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

@JohnLyonTweets

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

@Travon

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

@HockeyGoddess24

Somebody in here smells really good. I will hunt you down. I will sniff you.