I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
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I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
not seeing the problem
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.
Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks