I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
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Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.