@BlackTurnsBlue

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

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@offbeatoliv

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

@13spencer

Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?

@TheBoydP

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

@Reverend_Banjo

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

@ComedicBust

I’m about to make this Taco Bell cashier wish she was paid on commission.

@climaxximus

peter pan: welcome to neverland where everyone’s a kid

me: who’s that guy

peter pan: that’s captain hook

me: why isn’t he a kid

peter pan: wHy iSn’T hE a KiD shut the fuck up

@msdanifernandez

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

@stinky_blinders

Why didn’t Harry just grab the horcruxes, fly on the giant eagles to Mordor, and have Yoda destroy them with his phaser???

@toriavaa

My friends make fun of me for having a messy car but yesterday mcdonalds didn’t give Maddie bbq sauce for her nuggets and guess what I had in my back seat??? bbq sauce so I don’t wanna hear it anymore