I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

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I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.


Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?


Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…


It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.


I’m about to make this Taco Bell cashier wish she was paid on commission.


peter pan: welcome to neverland where everyone’s a kid

me: who’s that guy

peter pan: that’s captain hook

me: why isn’t he a kid

peter pan: wHy iSn’T hE a KiD shut the fuck up


*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.


Why didn’t Harry just grab the horcruxes, fly on the giant eagles to Mordor, and have Yoda destroy them with his phaser???


My friends make fun of me for having a messy car but yesterday mcdonalds didn’t give Maddie bbq sauce for her nuggets and guess what I had in my back seat??? bbq sauce so I don’t wanna hear it anymore