I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
You Might Also Like
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Thursday Thought.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.