Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.

[Toddler 911]

911: what’s your emergency?

Son: it’s naptime.

911: have you tried stalling?

Son: I asked for water.

911: and your favorite stuffed animal?

Son: yep.

911: that toy you shoved under the couch?

Son: they don’t know where that’s at.

911: perfect. ask for that.

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

ㅤ

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.