i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
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COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.