I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
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i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
