I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Cow Teacher:
Did you regurgitate enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then please
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Legend 🤣🤣
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
