I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Jupiter
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
