I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
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Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.