Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”

Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000

Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing

Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”

“What?”

“It’s a long story.”

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”

Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun

I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

[commercial for kids]

woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!

narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?