I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
You Might Also Like
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.